Co-sleeping is something that many parents find themselves doing, either intentionally or because it seems to be the only way to achieve a little much needed sleep.
All five of my children have loved snuggling up in bed with us for the occasional night, but it was only with our youngest two that we found ourselves joining the millions of parents who co-sleep with their babies and children on a regular basis.
Co-sleeping is a very natural step to take and I do not discourage parents from doing so. It is, however, important to be aware of safe sleep guidelines and the circumstances under which it is NEVER safe to co-sleep. You can read more about these here on the Lullaby Trust website.
For me, co-sleeping was very much linked to breastfeeding and having babies who suffered with reflux. But there are many, many reasons why parents choose to co-sleep, not least because it just feels right.
If you co-sleep with your child, it really doesn’t matter when, or even if, you decide to stop. It will no doubt happen eventually. Let’s face it, you don’t see many young adults still cuddled up in bed with their parents! What matters is, that everyone is happy and well rested.
But what happens when you no longer wish to co-sleep? For me, despite having co-slept for several years with my fourth child, this time came much more quickly with my fifth. I simply wasn’t getting the sleep I needed, my back ached and I was generally exhausted. My son wanted to spend every second of every day (and night) attached to me and I suddenly realised that I could no longer give him, or my other children, the parent that they needed, I was just so tired! What had worked well previously was no longer giving us the benefits of a good night sleep. I knew at that point that it was time to stop.
I wanted to continue to be a responsive, gentle parent, but I was desperate for some space, some me time. And I needed more energy to be the parent I wanted to be, not to simply ‘get through’ each day. Like a lot of my clients, it was hard for me to admit that I had had enough. It was hard to be honest with myself and say “I can no longer do this”. And it was far more complex than that. I wanted to stop co-sleeping, but I also didn’t want this part of my son’s journey to end. As with so many decisions we have to make as a parent, it was conflicting and bitter-sweet.
In the end I was able to achieve something close to the best of both worlds. Now almost 18 months, my son sleeps for 11 hours overnight, 7pm until 6am. Once he was completely used to sleeping in his own cot and happy to do so, we were able to reintroduce some morning snuggles. After our usual ‘dramatic wake up’ so he knows he has completed his nighttime sleep, our son comes into bed with us for a cuddle and a feed for half an hour before we start our day. I absolutely adore this special time and can properly appreciate it once again.
If you feel the time has come to end your co-sleeping journey, for whatever reason, you have come to the right place. I get a surprising number of parents contact me for advice about how to navigate this transition and the good news is, it really doesn’t need to be a painful experience.
Babies and children are surprisingly adaptable and, although there will of course be a period of adjustment, with patience and consistency, new habits and routines can be formed really quickly.
Here are some of my top tips for making that transition away from co-sleeping:
Sleep space
If your baby is under a year, it is important to ensure their sleep space is safe and clear. Again, more information can be found on the Lullaby Trust website but the main points are:
Baby should be placed on their back, on a firm, clear space.
Room temperature should be between 16 and 20 °c
There should be no loose pillows or blankets and no comforters in the cot with your child. Instead, dress your baby in an age and temperature appropriate baby sleeping bag, so they can stay warm without the risk of overheating.
Some babies and children settle better in their new space if the smell is familiar, so try putting their cot sheet in your bed for a night or two first.
Babies over a year can be introduced to a transitional object or comforter, such as a muslin or cuddly toy. Take care to ensure this is completely safe, with no loose buttons or eyes and check the condition regularly. Again, it can help to keep this close to you for a day or two, so your child can smell you even when you are not there.
The room should be dark and some parents find that playing white or pink noise quietly in the background also helps calm their little one, whilst also masking other household noises.
Older children can be involved in setting up their new sleep space. Letting them decide on the decor, choose new duvet covers and organise their space can be really empowering and will make the experience exciting rather than something to be worried about.
Spend time in the new room/sleep space
As you prepare for the move into their new sleep space, spend time in there with your child to get them used to it. You will want your child to associate the room with calm and quiet, so avoid activities that are too energetic and instead focus on reading, puzzles, colouring, singing and other relaxing past times.
Never use the sleep space for ‘time out’ or other punishments as this could lead to a negative association, and make bedtime upsetting and confusing for your child. The bedroom and bed should always remain a happy, positive and comforting space.
Stay with your child
As they get used to sleeping in their own space, I recommend staying with your child. Changes will need to be gentle and gradual - too much too soon could easily backfire.
One of the most effective solutions is to employ a ‘camping out’ technique. When you move your child to their own room, it is advisable to plan for a few nights in with them so you can respond quickly if they get upset or unsettled. This doesn’t have to be all night, but some children do better if their parent or carer remains very close by at first. As they get used to the new surroundings, you can gradually wean them off your support.
Commit to your decision.
Once you have made the choice to move away from co-sleeping you need to fully commit to the transition process. If you give up halfway through or if you let your child back into your bed here and there, the process will be confusing for them. It will take longer and may even end in failure.
As I did with my son, do wait until they are fully established in their new routine before you reintroduce any morning cuddles in your bed. If they need a morning feed, find a comfortable spot on the sofa initially.
Finally, consider the timing before you go for it and make the move. Ensure a minimum of a month before or after big events, such as a new baby, house move, starting nursery or similar.
Bear in mind, every child is different and there can be variations in how they cope, especially if they have SEND. If you need more advice and support around co-sleeping please book a FREE Discovery Call with me today.
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